Gloomy Curacao

I have had this post done for a long time (well the pictures and videos) but I kept coming back to edit the words because this time Curacao was different.

Rewind with me for a second; 2018 was one of the best years of my life. I was single for the first time in way too long and I took full advantage. I said yes to everything, traveled constantly, did things that wifed-up-me would never have done, made new life-long friendships – all in all I rediscovered how awesome and adventurous I am. I had a steady job and I decided that for all of 2018 I wasn’t going to worry about anything except living my life to the fullest.

As the new year approached I kept telling myself that it was gonna be all about my future and making big moves. So 2019 hit hard.

I kept giving myself unrealistic deadlines for decisions that would impact the rest of my life. I started to feel lonely and settled for companionship even when it wasn’t what I wanted… which lead to sticky situations and tremendous guilt.

In 2018, I learned how to be happy. 2019 came in hot with rejection and sadness.

Curacao colors were not as bright nor the ocean as tempting – I just wanted to go home. But I didn’t want to show that weakness to anyone. I just covered it up with a smile and told myself I was being crazy.

Which was a crazy thing to do – because my intuition is ALWAYS spot on. Five odd months later I am kicking myself in the ass because if I was just honest about how I was feeling and let myself be sad for a second I would have had a blast just like the first time.

Damn. Even just writing all that out made me feel so free.

Punda & Otrobanda

We did all the same things except this time I was 5th wheel. & Sad. When I am odd wheel out *& happy* I love it and theres no awkwardness and I’m running around living my best life… but sad me was glued to my phone.

You may be thinking “you’re a blogger\instagramer person thing, you must ALWAYS be glued to your phone.”

FALSE. Bears beating Battlestar Galactica type FALSE.

I am all about living in the moment. Yes, I do take pictures on pictures but I don’t post until there’s down time.

I was texting nonstop and going through social media as if my life depended on it. I needed constant stimulation so that my sad thoughts wouldn’t come out and wipe the smile off my face.

Sadness is exhausting.

Sail to Klein Curacao

I swam and walked Klein alone.

I could live in this lighthouse. This coral panel is to die for.

I am never sad in saltwater. Unfortunately, I had to dry off at some point.

The weather and landscape this time was much drier but we saw way more sea turtles. This a juvenile. I fixated the GoPro on him and only gave the slightest tap of my fin to follow without alarm. We hung out for quite some time actually.

I stared at him and his deformed shell wondering what happened. Maybe it was a birth defect. Maybe he, too, was sad – so sad that a part of his shell sunk.

He just kept eating. Occasionally he would peer up.

His judgmental little eyes saying “you’re so dramatic.”

…accurate.

Off-Roading

We went on another ATV excursion and before you continue to scroll through the pictures please watch this short ‘How-To’ video on coping with being the 5th wheel on a romantic ATV expedition on a tropical island paradise…

Do not try this at home… or anywhere

Most of my life I would just get angry instead of sad. Anger sucks. It makes everything worse. It’s an emotional wall we put up to protect ourselves that usually collapses on our own shoulders. After feeling true happiness for almost all of 2018 I couldn’t let myself go back.

Visited Family

Mitzi’s grandmother’s house has been the setting of all my day dreams since the first time I visited in October.

Yet not even this dreamy destination could I forget the weight of my heavy heart.

Jan Thiel Beach

We did all the same things we did on my first trip and it was all as gorgeous and breath taking as ever… despite what my gray tinted glasses lead me to believe.

FYI if any one of you is ever feeling sad or some kind of way please message me. I love helping people and all you guys have helped me so much… sometimes its good just to get it out. TBH best way to get ahold of me is Instagram. Just don’t be creepy.

Which I realize is a lot to ask for nowadays but like just try.

Shaking off this funk took forever. I failed a lot. Shut out the world constantly.

It took baby steps, like appreciating flowers again.

Spending time in nature and with animals always helps.

Eventually I stopped expecting so much of myself; Forgave myself for my failures and shortcomings.

In 2018 I learned to be happy. 2019 I learned how to be sad.

2020 will meet the best me there has been yet.

Good to be back!

Stay Fascinated.

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